There have been many times that I went into depression for no apparent reason. My depression comes out of the blue and fades away on its own. I have never being able to control it. I couldn’t understand my moods and really didn’t know how to get out of it. I cried for no reason; I found no delight in being surrounded by family; music which always comforted me didn’t make much sense; books weren’t any comfort to me; I took good news which would have made anyone excited placidly. All my emotions had being drained. I could stay quiet for long periods.
Mother was scared and didn’t know what to make of me. I didn’t know what to make of myself. My faith was on an all-time low. I didn’t really want to go to church. Even when I did go, I couldn’t feel anything.
There was this afternoon, I went for mass. It was a 30 minutes mass. I sat at my usual corner in church and didn’t expect anything to happen. I just wanted to be in church and think about everything and nothing in particular which had become the norm. Well, this day was different. The bible reading was taken from Matthew 6: 24-34. I can’t write it all out here. It simply says: Do not worry.
I didn’t expect my mind to wonder back to mass. It’s usually anywhere but there. I have heard and read that passage a lot but there was something about the reading. It made me realize that I’m forgetting who God is. God isn’t just good, He is awesome. He can make me feel and be delightful again. He can give me back the ability to feel anything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. He can make me whole again. All He’s asking me in to trust in him.
I must say that trust isn’t easy. Putting your trust in anybody isn’t easy but God isn’t just anybody. He’s different. As much as I run away, as much as I’ve falling down on the journey to salvation, He keeps waiting for me to turn around and look at Him; to turn and around and open the door for Him.
I don’t mean to preach here. I’m not good at that anyway. I only thought to share something that happened. I know depression and mood swings would creep in again. I know this is isn’t the end but I believe I’ve got to trust in Him. I believe He is capable of pulling me out.