On a Frolic of Her Own.

www.hannahbrencher.com
http://www.hannahbrencher.com

You know…

I couldn’t put a finger to it, but I recently realized that I was a depressing and pessimistic soul.

Nobody thought me depressingwords. I worked on making myself depressed effortlessly.

Have I grown this year?

I ask myself a lot this question but I really can’t answer. But  I’ll tell you this. I found God. No scratch that. I’m on a constant journey of finding God. It’s more like a quest. So I’ll say that I’ve grown in my relationship with Him and sometimes I think that I hear Him speak to me. Sometimes. It’s very rare but it happens.

Today…

I’m a bundle of  light and optimism. I like to encourage people even if it’s a puny attempt. I like to try anyway. And I don’t just tell them to make them feel good, I believe in it – what i say and in the person.

It’s all in you.

So I’ve chosen happiness over depression, sadness and pessimism.

Life is simple unless you’re not.

I stumbled on the aforementioned quote as someone’s twitter bio about two years ago. I didn’t understand but it stuck. I didn’t believe that it was possible or even made sense. Now it does. Life is that simple when you have God.

Lemme tell you one lily-secret. Her biggest fear is her. There! I said it. That’s a step I think – talking about it. So she goes into 2014. Scratch that . She goes into the next hour with these words:

do it afraid

*

Ps:

No. Matter. What. You. Are. Going. Through. There’s. A. Lot. To. Be. Thankful. For.

Breaking me!

On a good day, this is what breaking from depression feels like:

Finally God intervenes, saying :

Relax.

Remember that my love is just waiting to enter your heart.

I’ve already created you in my image. You are already important.

You have everything.

I’ve laid down my life for you – held nothing back from you.

Open your heart more to me and let me give more of myself to you.

Then our love union can start to sing.

:’)

Of patience and Wisdom of Old.

In a beautiful sunny afternoon. You’re four years old playing at the back of the house near the woods. There’s Caesar, your spaniel chasing his tail. You’ve just seen a single flower (red rose) bright and blooming peeking out in the woods. You’ve always played at this place and never seen any flower before. You start walking as fast as your feet would take to get to the flower. Caesar comes along with you. You don’t stop when you hear your favourite aunt talking to you, telling you that she would help you with the rose. She has figured that you wouldn’t stop and intends to help you nevertheless. All you can think of is your lonely flower patiently waiting for your grasp. She is now shouting that you shouldn’t enter the woods but you ignore her again and run into it. Caesar is now barking and still tagging along. You are hoping to get it without any assistance and forgetting you are young and not as tall as your aunt.

You finally get to the tree but can’t reach up to the flower. So you keep trying and suddenly you notice you’re bleeding. The thorns of the rose has pierced your skin. Then you begin to cry. Your aunt has finally gotten there and she easily plucks it from the branch.

*
The story can be likened to Jesus. We keep looking or walking in a direction. He wants to help us and/or walk with us on life’s journey but we don’t stop and walk side by side with him. We most times ignore him believing that we can achieve everything all by ourselves. Then when we fall or are in trouble, we remember Him.

Day Four

Wednesday.

Due to the events of the previous day, some students said they would sleep over since school was giving temporary accommodation. I didn’t wait for S’s colleague to come so I took a bike into school. I forgot to add that bikes run latest 7am and after that disappear since they are prohibited.

By the time, I got into the hall, it was filled to capacity. I heard students were in front of the hall as early as 3am. It was saddening and I already knew that there wasn’t hope for me that day. Here I was, thinking that I’ll be settled in by today. Students who later came disorganized everything. The officers refused to come to the hall. There were lots of struggle, throwing of the code of conduct by the miffed officer at students, losing of earrings and other possessions, injuries, etc. I got a mangled sandals in the end.

While the officers remained in their offices, collecting money to register students or registering their own. By the time they decided to give the masses, they spent an hour and stopped for the day.

I ate at the school’s cafeteria. I vowed that I would never eat the fried rice again so I went for their jollof rice with beef and moi moi and dodo while my friends went for garri and vegetable soup.

*sigh*

I miss cooking! Cooking is prohibited in school so we left to buy our meals from the cafeteria. Since this stress of registration, I ate very little usually a meal per day. The jollof rice and beef were good , the moi moi was crap. I’ll stick to Tetrazzini’s own. The dodo was softer this time. My friends said that the vegetable soup was nice. I wouldn’t test my tummy on that.

So I finished with that and thought of taking a cab home but I pushed the thought away. I walked down again this time for the fun of it and I wanted to try KFC. It’s not like I wanted to eat again. I was already stuffed for the day. I needed to make breakfast for the next day.

Haven’t seen chicken as crunchy as KFC’s since I left Lagos after secondary school.

I should point out that for unfathomable reasons, I wasn’t set back by the lack of progress from school. I took it well. I think I accepted that God knows best. Just like what Job from the Bible told his wife who mocked him and he told her:

“When God sends us something good, we welcome it . How can we complain when he sends us trouble” – Job 2:10

I accepted this little trouble I had as God’s own way of testing me and teaching me endurance and showering his blessings. I think it is mentioned somewhere in the book of Romans. I just believed God won’t let me suffer in end. God won’t let me not have accommodation in the end. So that day while I trekked, I thanked God for disappointments and prayed that I see his blessings in these disappointments.

Number Three

Many times, I’ll rather not share my thoughts under the ‘God and I’ category on here. Why? Well, I don’t want to be a preacher or one who doesn’t practice what she preaches or be judged or something. The point is that I’m not comfortable sharing that part of me. Somehow, I couldn’t hold back some of my thoughts and my itchy fingers started typing this.

Okay, I went for evening mass today and the gospel was taken from Luke 8: 4-15. – the parable of the sower and the seeds. We remember that:

Category 1: some seeds fell on the edge of the path and was trampled on and birds came and ate them all.

Category 2: some seeds fell on rock and when it came up it withered away, leaving no moisture.

Category 3: some seeds fell among thorns and the thorns grew with it and choked it.

Category 4: some seeds fell into rich soil and grew and produced its crops in different and several folds.

Sometime ago, I came to the conclusion that each and everyone of us fall into one of the four categories of seeds. I feel, rather let me speak for myself, I feel that at some point in my life I’ve been in one these categories. At the time, I honestly believed that I was in the fourth category. I didn’t believe that I fell into any other place (I’m sure my conscience was laughing at me). Today as I think about it I’ll say I fall under the third category. The result of The third category is that they are the people who have heard, but as they go on their way, they are choked by the worries and riches and pleasures. 

Yes, this is me right there. How many times have I heard the Word of God and told myself that I shall adhere and conform to His teachings in the Bible but after my meditation or the preaching/sermon that goes on in church I forget? How many times have I confessed and brought my sins at the feet of Christ and still gone back to the same sin?

*sigh*

I still fail to remember that God’s mercies are infinite and He’ll still forgive me. But you know what He wants me to do? He wants me to accept my faults, to accept my sins and ask for forgiveness. He wants me to try; to try my possible best not to go back to that sin or to remember Him when I’m met with those temptations. And that doesn’t change the fact that He still wants me to keep confessing my sins to  Him. Why? Because whether I like it or not I am a sinner and that’s why He died for me. He wants to redeem me.

So today, I have accepted that I am in the third category hoping to land in the fourth one someday. I hope that I maintain the third and climb to the fourth rather than going back to to the first and second categories.

Have you accepted which category you fall under and want to do something about it?

Depression.

There have been many times that I went into depression for no apparent reason. My depression comes out of the blue and fades away on its own. I have never being able to control it. I couldn’t understand my moods and really didn’t know how to get out of it. I cried for no reason; I found no delight in being surrounded by family; music which always comforted me didn’t make much sense; books weren’t any comfort to me; I took good news which would have made anyone excited placidly. All my emotions had being drained.  I could stay quiet for long periods.

Mother was scared and didn’t know what to make of me. I didn’t know what to make of myself. My faith was on an all-time low. I didn’t really want to go to church. Even when I did go, I couldn’t feel anything.

There was this afternoon, I went for mass. It was a 30 minutes mass. I sat at my usual corner in church and didn’t expect anything to happen. I just wanted to be in church and think about everything and nothing in particular which had become the norm. Well, this day was different. The bible reading was taken from Matthew 6: 24-34. I can’t write it all out here. It simply says: Do not worry.

I didn’t expect my mind to wonder back to mass. It’s usually anywhere but there. I have heard and read that passage a lot but there was something about the reading. It made me realize that I’m forgetting who God is. God isn’t just good, He is awesome. He can make me feel and be delightful again. He can give me back the ability to feel anything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. He can make me whole again. All He’s asking me in to trust in him.

I must say that trust isn’t easy. Putting your trust in anybody isn’t easy but God isn’t just anybody. He’s different. As much as I run away, as much as I’ve falling down on the journey to salvation, He keeps waiting for me to turn around and look at Him; to turn and around and open the door for Him.

*

I don’t mean to preach here. I’m not good at that anyway. I only thought to share something that happened. I know depression and mood swings would creep in again. I know this is isn’t the end but I believe I’ve got to trust in Him. I believe He is capable of pulling me out.

Some Navel Gazing

This is not a judgemental post. It’s just something I thought to share. Enjoy!

For many years, I prayed that God would make my parents extremely wealthy. I wanted to be able to ask them for whatever I wanted and get it. I wanted to be spoilt and pampered. I wanted to flaunt my (parent’s) wealth on my friends and everyone who cared to notice.

Well, God never answered my prayer. After sometime I realized that my prayer was a want and not a need. I finally figured that when I prayed, I wanted my will to be God’s will instead of the contrary. Selfish right? Well I didn’t see it that way. I thought money was everything.

Over the past twenty years, I’ve noticed that rich people usually fall into one these categories:

  • The parents are wealthy hence their children don’t see the need to believe in God and have a total reverence to Him.
  • The parents are wealthy and their children believe that by making good grades they are making their parents happy. They still forget that God gave their parents all that money and for that they should be grateful to Him.
  • The parents are wealthy and the children believe neither in God nor make good grades in school. They believe that their parents’ money will sort them out somehow.
  • The parents are busy making money and forget to look into the affairs of their children and usually leave it to the male/female maids or their relatives; who most times really don’t care about the needs of those children either except such need is to their advantage.

Maybe in some way I’m wrong. Maybe I should have given more examples. But if we take some time to think about this, there is an atom of truth.

My parents are far from extremely wealthy, they are not even the best parents, but God blessed them with enough money to take care of six children and some relatives. Is that enough for me? Of course it is and I’m eternally grateful. When I tell people that I don’t pray to be extremely rich they think I’m being too modest. But it’s the truth. I see friends say they want a big house, many cars, and separate bathrooms for themselves and their partners. I think it’s ridiculous. I just want money that is enough for myself and family. I don’t want money that would make my kids horrible or ungrateful. I just want enough that will make them beautiful both inward and outward.

All I want is to have the fortitude to accept God’s will as mine and some peace (contentment), wisdom and love. I think if we all have these things the world will be a better place.