Conversations, Chances, and Commitment.

chances and hope

http://hope-chances.blogspot.ca/

On one of my many conversations with Bubu, we got talking about infidelity in marriage.

I was thinking about it the other day: why would a man or woman bother having a mistress or boyfriend or a man/woman that s/he enjoys getting attention from that isn’t the husband/wife, outside their marriage when such liaison would make for extra spending, chances of STDs, misunderstanding, lies, etc.

Why won’t they just try and work out their problems?

Bubu said that they are bored with their marriages. Then I said whatever is between you two can be spiced up, as long as you both accept that there is a gap (or something wrong) and are willing to fix it. Together.

Maybe I’m thinking this way because I’m not in their shoes and not married.

Then Bubu said that the psychology and biology of a man is different from that of a woman as regards infidelity. He added that he feels people get bored in their marriage because they don’t get married to their partners but to wives/husbands. So it’s easy to get bored, especially when physical attraction and sexuality is the basis of the relationship.

Let me stop here and say that this is Gospel(to me).

Some say that it is impossible for men not to cheat. Yes, they love you but it’s just something they can’t help doing. I still like to believe that there are exceptions.

I’ve been reading a lot of Genevieve magazines.  In one of the columns, a columnist was asked what she thinks better between the olden days and now when it comes to family, marriage and relationships. She said that in the present people are talking out and speaking their minds unlike the past where everyone bottled up their feelings and problems.

I thought about that and realized that she was right. The good part is that you talk about it. The bad part is that most times people talk about it but they don’t bother to try to understand. They usually want to work on it on their own.

An example is in marriage. You have problems in your marriage. You talk about it with your partner but most times (which is not always), you or your partner want to work on it individually. Which in the end makes them talk to third parties.

I hope I’m making sense or rather interpreting was the columnist was trying to say.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, I catch myself wondering if people could be just a little patient and a little more understanding. Life would be a better place to live in. If couples put at the core that they would need to learn and relearn what it means to love each other unconditionally – which means that they would be tested through different challenges. Everything good will come. Eventually.

Sigh.

I have to remember that it isn’t easy.

It is easier said than done.

Be a Light.

Hello lovelies!!!

It”s been soooooo long. I feel like I haven’t even blogged properly since law school. Law school has been all shades of stress and then some. There’s been splashes of fun and those days when I want to shoot the creator of school. I’m still on the hunt for him.

I have nothing to write here and maybe do here but I think you need to know this:

Be a light

When last did you genuinely ask someone the question How are you? I mean like look into the person’s eyes and ask, and not just needing to hear the conventional I’m fine, I’m good, I’m very well. 

Everyone’s on the run these days. Each person not knowing the thoughts of the other. There are so many problems out there: external problems and the internal ones. Depression, suicide, bipolar personality problem, financial problems, family problems, etc. Some people look like they have a gazillion friends but the truth is that they are an island.

All I’m saying is Be a Light. Smile at someone. Anyone. Compliment her. Tell your nephew how amazing he is. Sacrifice a few minutes of that thing that keeps you so busy and call someone and appreciate them. Get off bbm and twitter and go and meet the person; have a life conversation. Conversations are the bestest especially when you have them without reservation. Ask the blind woman in your church how she’s doing. The list goes on.

*sigh*

We really don’t know how much time we have here. On earth. I want to know that I tried. I want to know that I contributed to someone’s happiness however long or short it is or was.

Be a light.

A Visit to the Motherless Babies Home.

I went to visit babies at the Motherless babies home a few days back. It was my first. I saw babies of 18 months and below. I must confess that I was dreading visiting them. Why, you may ask. I didn’t know how to act: if I was to have the pity face or just act like life is beautiful. I chose to be myself and I enjoyed it. I also learnt that there was a difference between Motherless Babies Home and the Orphanage Home, don’t judge me. The former have fathers who lost their mothers usually due to childbirth while the others have no parent.

I carried one of the kids and while I did that, my sister asked the caretaker if she was permitted to do the same and she said no. I quickly dropped the little girl. The caretaker didn’t give a reason.

When we left the Home, my sister and I came to the conclusion that the children must really feel that absence of love a lot. During this season people come into their home and show them love. People give all so much but after the season life goes on. We get busy with work and forget how much these kids need love. So I guess the caretaker’s point was that they(kids) should get used to not being carried and showered with gifts and affection. Fickle minds that we have.

On my way out I noticed that one of the caretakers changing a baby who had pooed. I also noticed the baby napkin was in tatters. I felt for them. I asked my sister and brother in-law why they couldn’t provide better napkins for these children since people bring money among other things. Their opinion was that just the same way these children get love seasonally, the gifts are also given seasonally. Since they can’t maintain diapers while start.

It broke my heart.

Dear readers, please if you can help in donating things as little as diapers or you know someone that’s wealthy or not but willing to be of assistance, please have conversation with them. You can help these children. My thoughts are that if you or a couple of your friends can make a consistent supply of diapers to these homes – motherless or orphanage, you’ll be contributing immensely to the lives of these children. Please don’t wait until it’s Christmas or a holiday to visit them. You can do it at any time. Let them feel and know what love is and about.

From pockets of nothingness

So while I started typing this, Coldplay’s Fix You kept playing in my head. Maybe you should play it while reading this. Enjoy!

*

Do you know that feeling you have when you find learning in pockets of nothingness?

Do you know that feeling you have when you allow yourself to learn just by being open minded; when you allow yourself to feel your surrounding?

Do you know the feeling of learning from interacting with people when you didn’t see slews of  education coming your way?

That’s when you love education.

That’s when it’s beautiful: finding learning from pockets of nothingness.

I think I have mentioned in a previous post that I hated Lagos. Well presently, it has reduced to dislike or maybe it is in the grey. I’m in that grey that is neither hate nor love.

I’ve come to realize that Lagos isn’t so bad. Lagos pushes you to try harder, to work harder. So let’s call it making a better person. No matter how much I complain, I know that today is a better me and tomorrow by His grace, a better Lily has risen by a notch.

I got chatting with S about Lagos. I wanted to know about her experiences. She says that she prefers Lagos to Abuja where she grew up. I don’t know if her preference is influenced as result of meeting her fiance here or if it’s because she saw what I’m seeing after a few days in going to Law school in Lagos. I already feel that Lagos has more opportunities than Abuja. S added that in work places in Lagos you tend to work with your age grade but in Abuja you don’t. Of course, working with your age grade brings about common grounds, friendship among your colleagues as well as working efficiency.

I’ve also learnt to be open minded too.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who’s also being registered in Lagos law school but hasn’t gotten accommodation. She was asking me about my roommates and I told her that they seem alright although they happen to be of the yoruba tribe excluding me. She told me that a mutual friend of ours isn’t happy that her roommate, in particular the one whom she shares wardrobe with doesn’t wear earrings. Hence, she summed her (the roommate) as a religious fanatic and someone she wouldn’t get along with.

My reply to my friend was that I can’t under a day of meeting (I didn’t saying living with my roommates and neither has our mutual friend) my roommates condemn them because yoruba people are said to be gossips, troublemakers and loud. If I condemn them, then you have a right to call me a a neurotic tight ass. And I don’t even see what a christian fanatic has to do with sharing a wardrobe. If at all said roommate is one.

Finally, I’ve learnt to take one day at a time, to be open minded and suck in the ambience that surrounds me because finding learning in pockets of nothingness is a beautiful thing.

After the glitz and glamour

I’ve been working on this post for over a month now. I’m not even sure I’ve written to everything but it’s getting longer which is what I’m avoiding. I’ve grateful to Eke, Abdul, and Yomi for their contribution and support in this post. Enjoy.

*

I happen to be an avid reader of Bella Naija weddings where mostly the finest weddings of Nigerians are featured. Nigeria is a country known to do colossal stuff. For instance: weddings, burials, parties, etc. Looking at the pictures of the aforementioned weddings, I’m  wandering if these couples are still happily married after their humongous weddings. I’m not hating on these couples, I’m just wondering whether the zeal put into the weddings are also put into marriages. The time and money couples channel into building houses and businesses, does it commensurate with the time spent building their homes and giving their children love and affection? I’ve never been married and intend to one day but I’m so sure wealth isn’t an assurance of happiness. Of course, wealth supports happiness but it isn’t the apex of a marriage.

Some women are myopic about marriage. In other words, they give great thought to the wedding and very little to the marriage. They want lavish wedding receptions, expensive hired/borrowed cars for the occasion and other frivolous things. I’m trying not to generalize but what happens to considering your man’s pocket and cutting your cloak according to your size? I love weddings and flowers and the ‘loveliness’ that is the wedding but at the core of it, I’m thinking of my man and our marriage.

The Nigerian society has fostered the perception that a girl must marry as soon as she gets a degree. For instance, a girl maybe finishing school in a few months. She is also in a serious relationship with Mr Potential and Purpose Driven. He truly loves her but isn’t ready to settle down immediately and needs another year to establish himself. Her mother may have been asking her about him and when she’ll be getting grandchild(ren). Her parents may also be undergoing financial problems too.  She knows some friends that are married or would be getting married before the year runs out. She has her doubts about him: whether he’ll still marry her when said year runs out  or if she has enough faith in her boyfriend’s abilities. Mr Rich, Older and Well Established comes into her life and showers her and her family with gifts. He sweeps her off her feet and before she knows it she’s breaking up with Mr Potential. The story may end with her being a child-producing device who keeps being showered gifts while Mr Rich goes to find a mistress. Apparently, all he ever wanted was to find a woman suitable to carry his name and child.

Some women are comfortable with this idea and some others who feel such women have low self esteem or no sense of purpose in their lives. There are also other women who can’t keep their man and wouldn’t bother to try but get themselves into affairs. I hear it’s called an open marriage. What happens to the children? What impressions do the children have of you and marriage in general? Why cause such turbulence and confusion in their minds?

Most man would not value you if you have nothing to offer, it doesn’t necessarily have to be money. To some of us not yet married, please have goals and dreams aside being married. Let the man you’re getting married to know you have something to offer and be willing to help you fulfill your dream and achieve your goal. One would have to remember that marriage isn’t all about money but what both of you can bring to the table. For instance, you may be able to bring the money and the other may have a knack for handling finances.

A marriage is an institution that spans a lifetime which I love and want to experience one day and I believe one should be a part of it not for the wrong reasons especially societal pressure. Strive to become an asset, not a liability.

A rant about Blackberry Messenger 2

I wrote something about BBM here and someone mentioned that I didn’t include those who share your pin without permission. I also realized that I needed to address that and other issues regarding BBM.

I think it’s horrendous that people either friends or acquaintances share your pin with others (whether ‘others’ here consist of your mutual friends or not). Whatever happened to asking for my consent? Just a week ago, I put up a picture of two lady friends of mine as my display picture (subsequently referred to as DP), a friend/contact started chatting with me. At first he made small talk then went into his main reason for chatting with me – he wanted the blackberry (subsequently referred to as BB) pins of my friends in the DP. Apparently, said friends were mutual friends of his – we were all in same the department in university. I quickly asked my lady friends if they were cool with me giving him their pins. One gave an affirmative and the other didn’t.

My point? The fact y’all are friends doesn’t mean you’re close enough to have each other as BBM friends. Some people are better being friends in person than over the screen.

I remember when I got my first BB and I added people (both known and unknown) just as soon as they sent a request. I wanted a variety of people on my contact list. It was cool at first until I realized how it was beginning to be irksome. I also realized that there were a number of people (strangers) whom I chatted frequently with and knew a lot about me. I cannot say I did not know them but not as much as they did me. It didn’t take me long to realize that I needed to uproot some contacts from my phone and my life.

Then there were those ones that demanded your attention even when you were busy. If I haven’t opened/read your IM then it means I am busy or not unavailable to chat at that time.  How does someone start chatting with you early as early as 5am just because. I should not forget the ones that start conversations with PING! (God knows how much I hate when my phone vibrates without me changing my profile). Whatever happened to hi, hello, what’s up or whatever you fancy (excluding ‘ping’).

My point? The ping tab should be used when you want to get a person’s attention in a case of emergency.  

Those people that start chatting with you because you change your DP is what I am still yet to understand. Okay, I agree that some people want to compliment your picture or want to relate to a quote you may have used. What I don’t get is why you have decided to chat with me because I changed my picture and you suddenly remembered me or you suddenly want to make conversation. You can even ‘form’ for me a little by waiting for some time and then chatting up on me so that it looks like you were just checking on me. This does not apply to people you chat with on a regular.

Finally, please take some time now (yes, don’t procrastinate) and de-clutter your BBM list. And yes, I’ll still stick to everything I said in my first rant, sue me. 😀

Traditions

I’m from the eastern part of Nigeria where we have cultures and traditions like every other place. Today, I want to share some traditions which are archaic but are still followed through in my village.

I came to understand several years back that the tradition in my village says the grandchildren and children who aren’t married must cut their hair when their grandparents die. No, not just cutting it very low but cutting everything out.

I was 8 years old when grandfather died. I didn’t know him much except that he was tall, dark and spoke English fluently. I remember my father growing his hair and beard during that period. Later, I was made to understand that since Father is the first son, from the moment he heard of his father’s death, he must not cut any hair on his body as it is tradition and part of mourning. So Father kept his hair until about a month and cut them after grandfather was buried.

The day after grandfather was buried; I was made to understand that the grandchildren and children were going to scrape their hair. There were exemptions – the female children that were married shouldn’t cut their hair since they were married to their husband and follow his own culture although, her children weren’t exempted. I remember one of my female cousins running out of the compound when she heard about the cutting of hair. Therefore, the single adults (children of the deceased) cut all their hair.

I remember how I cried and kept telling Father that I didn’t want to cut my hair but he kept saying its tradition. At the time, Father was the only one of his male siblings that had children with several daughters. His other sibling had an only child – a son who was about five. I finally cut my hair. I looked at my younger sister who just turned one. Her hair was also cut. I kept wondering why she couldn’t be exempted from cutting her hair since she was too young to know who died or why she should mourn her grandfather by cutting her hair. My grand aunt (grandfather’s wife he married after grandmother died) also cut all her hair. Her hair was burnt while songs were being sung by other women who were in one way related and/or friends. The common feature among them was that they were also widows.

*

I can tell you that it was difficult coming back to Abuja and going back to school. I remember friends in school looking at me in a strange way or teachers shaking their heads or kids coming to school to tell me that in their village their parents said they wouldn’t have to cut their hair if their grandparent died. Some even said that they wouldn’t have to cut their hair if it were their parent.

I can’t tell you that I understand this tradition or I understand the fact that my village doesn’t kill snakes when they see them but move them aside because they believe its their ancestors. I know these traditions have been obeyed and passed from generations to generations but it doesn’t mean they make sense. Why would my grandfather die and I have to cut all my hair to show that I am mourning him? I kinda understand the wife and children cutting their hair but not the others. The traditions are extreme! Why can’t one be given a choice to bury another as they choose? So what if I was a man from my village, married with children; if I write a will and among many other things saying that my wife and children should not cut their hair. If I die would my relatives and siblings abide by it or go against it since it’s not the tradition? I keep asking myself this.

I believe cultures and traditions aren’t static. Therefore, they vary from time to time. What maybe favourable in the past may not be favourable in the present. This is the more reason why the traditional rulers and law makers should look into these traditions and make favourable laws.

I must confess that I’m glad I have more sisters than brothers.