On a Frolic of Her Own.

www.hannahbrencher.com
http://www.hannahbrencher.com

You know…

I couldn’t put a finger to it, but I recently realized that I was a depressing and pessimistic soul.

Nobody thought me depressingwords. I worked on making myself depressed effortlessly.

Have I grown this year?

I ask myself a lot this question but I really can’t answer. But  I’ll tell you this. I found God. No scratch that. I’m on a constant journey of finding God. It’s more like a quest. So I’ll say that I’ve grown in my relationship with Him and sometimes I think that I hear Him speak to me. Sometimes. It’s very rare but it happens.

Today…

I’m a bundle of  light and optimism. I like to encourage people even if it’s a puny attempt. I like to try anyway. And I don’t just tell them to make them feel good, I believe in it – what i say and in the person.

It’s all in you.

So I’ve chosen happiness over depression, sadness and pessimism.

Life is simple unless you’re not.

I stumbled on the aforementioned quote as someone’s twitter bio about two years ago. I didn’t understand but it stuck. I didn’t believe that it was possible or even made sense. Now it does. Life is that simple when you have God.

Lemme tell you one lily-secret. Her biggest fear is her. There! I said it. That’s a step I think – talking about it. So she goes into 2014. Scratch that . She goes into the next hour with these words:

do it afraid

*

Ps:

No. Matter. What. You. Are. Going. Through. There’s. A. Lot. To. Be. Thankful. For.

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Breaking me!

On a good day, this is what breaking from depression feels like:

Finally God intervenes, saying :

Relax.

Remember that my love is just waiting to enter your heart.

I’ve already created you in my image. You are already important.

You have everything.

I’ve laid down my life for you – held nothing back from you.

Open your heart more to me and let me give more of myself to you.

Then our love union can start to sing.

:’)

Depression.

There have been many times that I went into depression for no apparent reason. My depression comes out of the blue and fades away on its own. I have never being able to control it. I couldn’t understand my moods and really didn’t know how to get out of it. I cried for no reason; I found no delight in being surrounded by family; music which always comforted me didn’t make much sense; books weren’t any comfort to me; I took good news which would have made anyone excited placidly. All my emotions had being drained.  I could stay quiet for long periods.

Mother was scared and didn’t know what to make of me. I didn’t know what to make of myself. My faith was on an all-time low. I didn’t really want to go to church. Even when I did go, I couldn’t feel anything.

There was this afternoon, I went for mass. It was a 30 minutes mass. I sat at my usual corner in church and didn’t expect anything to happen. I just wanted to be in church and think about everything and nothing in particular which had become the norm. Well, this day was different. The bible reading was taken from Matthew 6: 24-34. I can’t write it all out here. It simply says: Do not worry.

I didn’t expect my mind to wonder back to mass. It’s usually anywhere but there. I have heard and read that passage a lot but there was something about the reading. It made me realize that I’m forgetting who God is. God isn’t just good, He is awesome. He can make me feel and be delightful again. He can give me back the ability to feel anything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. He can make me whole again. All He’s asking me in to trust in him.

I must say that trust isn’t easy. Putting your trust in anybody isn’t easy but God isn’t just anybody. He’s different. As much as I run away, as much as I’ve falling down on the journey to salvation, He keeps waiting for me to turn around and look at Him; to turn and around and open the door for Him.

*

I don’t mean to preach here. I’m not good at that anyway. I only thought to share something that happened. I know depression and mood swings would creep in again. I know this is isn’t the end but I believe I’ve got to trust in Him. I believe He is capable of pulling me out.

I remember.

Hey! Sorry it took me months to come on here. I don’t know if I’m officially back. Here’s a short story.

*

I feel that I’m all alone in this world. I have a family. My own nuclear family but I can’t seem to share my thoughts with them. I can’t tell them how much I want to speak efik with them. I know I’ll get laughed at because I don’t have the intonations. I run away from relations that want to keep in touch, as a result.

I have friends, friends that mean well. I can’t seem to connect with them. Chike has called severally, that he wants to visit but I give excuses. Excuses like ‘I just came home and I’m about to sleep’ or ‘I’m going out’, when I know that I’m not going out soon. Enitan has asked me to come over so that we can have some girl-time and she can teach me how to make buns, puff puff and meat pies but I told her that I’ll come when I’m not so busy. She said I can come anytime of the day. I can surprise her now, but I won’t.

My colleagues at work keep asking me to come for the little party they host incorporation with other similar companies every fortnight but I stall that. I tell them that I babysit my niece or there is a vigil I must attend on that particular day.

I have my boyfriend. He is my little piece of heaven. I feel alive and comfortable with him. We connect naturally. He is also my best friend. He can’t always be around because his work keeps him one month with me and the other off shore.

It’s Friday night. I know I should have just hung out with colleagues at the little party since my sister has traveled with my niece or gone for the vigil. Instead I choose to be at home. Now depression has crept in. The boyfriend knows how to chase it away. I guess talking about it with him always brings comfort and his joke makes me light with happiness.

This is the month that he isn’t around; the month that we skype every night. This is the night that we get to play our dirty game. These past few days that MTN network has been the worst, my colleagues bought other networks. I chose to stick to MTN believing that they’ll get better. Therefore, I can’t skype. I would have just called him now if I still had credit. My blackberry messages aren’t delivering either.

The generator just decided to die this minute. I must go out to buy some petrol and get recharge cards for my phone. I never drive at night in the rain but these items I need to buy aren’t far away. I know that staying at home may make me go back to my other means of happiness: cutting myself.

So I set out for the door with the gallon for petrol, purse and keys. I was reversing out of the driveway and trying to put on the seat belt when everything went blank.

After fourteen months of moving around, trying to make a nexus to family, my boyfriend, friends and colleagues, it all comes rushing back. The truck containing the new neighbour’s upholstery hit my car.

I remember.