You’re 25 years old. You’re staring at your nephew and niece who are 2years and 10months respectively. You see how much your niece wants to walk without support. You remember another time when she wanted you to put in the chair where she could spin around a zillion times. You knew she would cry if you stop.
You look at your nephew and you can see him crying and stamping his feet because he wants the ball on top of the fridge but neither his hands nor legs will permit him to get it.
You immediately give him the ball and the crying stops. You take a seat near him while your mind wanders. You think of how much these children want to grow up and you think of how much you want to be like them. Just like them, you know that they have no responsibility and all they need to do is cry and shout so that food or whatever it is they need is given to them. You think about yourself and how much you need to spend on accommodation, feeding and transportation in the state you’ve been posted to. You have no relatives there. You know how hard it’s going to be for the next one year serving your country. You just sigh for the umpteenth time again wishing that you were these kids who have nothing to worry about.
Just then you notice your nephew throw the ball in the direction of the tv, you catch it by reflex.
“Odera, how many times have I told you not to throw that ball near the tv, ehn? I’m not giving it to you again.” You say.
Then he starts to cry. You start to mimic him crying; he stops crying and gives you that bewildered look. So you chuckle, kiss him on the head and tickle him a little. He starts laughing as his tear stricken face begins to dry.
Have you ever been in a situation where you just kept staring at a little child and wishing just for a second… okay, more than a second that you were just like him/her, young and gay with nothing to worry about? Or am I just the only one that has these thoughts sometimes?
On a good day, this is what breaking from depression feels like:
Finally God intervenes, saying :
Remember that my love is just waiting to enter your heart.
I’ve already created you in my image. You are already important.
You have everything.
I’ve laid down my life for you – held nothing back from you.
Open your heart more to me and let me give more of myself to you.
Then our love union can start to sing.
There have been many times that I went into depression for no apparent reason. My depression comes out of the blue and fades away on its own. I have never being able to control it. I couldn’t understand my moods and really didn’t know how to get out of it. I cried for no reason; I found no delight in being surrounded by family; music which always comforted me didn’t make much sense; books weren’t any comfort to me; I took good news which would have made anyone excited placidly. All my emotions had being drained. I could stay quiet for long periods.
Mother was scared and didn’t know what to make of me. I didn’t know what to make of myself. My faith was on an all-time low. I didn’t really want to go to church. Even when I did go, I couldn’t feel anything.
There was this afternoon, I went for mass. It was a 30 minutes mass. I sat at my usual corner in church and didn’t expect anything to happen. I just wanted to be in church and think about everything and nothing in particular which had become the norm. Well, this day was different. The bible reading was taken from Matthew 6: 24-34. I can’t write it all out here. It simply says: Do not worry.
I didn’t expect my mind to wonder back to mass. It’s usually anywhere but there. I have heard and read that passage a lot but there was something about the reading. It made me realize that I’m forgetting who God is. God isn’t just good, He is awesome. He can make me feel and be delightful again. He can give me back the ability to feel anything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. He can make me whole again. All He’s asking me in to trust in him.
I must say that trust isn’t easy. Putting your trust in anybody isn’t easy but God isn’t just anybody. He’s different. As much as I run away, as much as I’ve falling down on the journey to salvation, He keeps waiting for me to turn around and look at Him; to turn and around and open the door for Him.
I don’t mean to preach here. I’m not good at that anyway. I only thought to share something that happened. I know depression and mood swings would creep in again. I know this is isn’t the end but I believe I’ve got to trust in Him. I believe He is capable of pulling me out.